On my birthday February 2, 2026 at 12:45 p.m my father Daniel Edward Barnes Jr took his last breath. Typing this feels like a heavy rock crushing my lungs. My father was an amazingly talented, hilarious and loving man. We liked to call him a gentle giant. He was 6’3 with broad shoulders and a quiet confidence that made you instantly respect him. How could someone so health conscious, so loving, so strong leave this earth frail and powerless to speak?
I guess that’s the nature of life. We live and then we die and if we’re blessed enough people speak highly of us in our absence.
This situation has left me feeling intense anger and disgust for life. There are people alive right now who have only evil intentions. People who hurt children, stamp out their light before it ever shines bright enough to be seen by others. People who are so selfish that love can’t be found in them with even twelve thousand flashlights. Yet here this loving gentle giant. So vibrant and filled with life is gone. Never to be seen again in the flesh. They say grief hits you in waves yet I would disagree. It’s more like Kilauea, always rumbling beneath the surface. Forever filling you with hot liquid that burns your veins and weakens your heart.
Grief is a murderer that never gets caught. Taking lives every day, draining us of our hope, joy, belief in something more. My dad should be here right now. He should be right beside me as he has always been. Instead, I wear his ashes around my neck. Most days I want to leave this earth. Jump off the nearest bridge, or drown myself in a nearby lake. Without him the world feels cold, empty and unworthy of joy. Why should I smile? Why should I fight to find better days? I never dated, never experienced motherhood, never reached my major goals. So why should I keep going?
It is this question why, this never ending loop that will motivate me to continue challenging myself. You all will be the witnesses to my eventual triumph over this pain. In turn you will gain strength and courage to face whatever fear, or pain that hinders you from feeling joy. You will face it and you will be successful. Believe it. Speak it. Loudly yell it every morning ” I will overcome what has been sent to break me.”
But whatever you do, never give up and regardless of how irritating it is never stop asking why. The question why is often the first step to learning something new. In that something new is the answer you’ve always been searching for. So continue to ask questions. Continue to wake up and choose to live. Continue because your loved one would want you to. No, they’d tell you that they need you to get up and keep breathing, smiling and living. My father would want that. Thus, I have created this space to share my thoughts. I want to share my progress and my quest to answer that nagging why, that never stops haunting me.
Will you join me?
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